Have you seen “the news” lately? You know, all of it? The collapsing line of dominos tipping off a Rube Goldberg machine of ever-worsening disasters? The social order is mostly collapsing, and that’s mostly a very bad thing, except for the fact that celebrities are now separated from their publicists and bored enough to start posting on their own. And that one fact provides nothing but joy. It’s the only light in the darkness.
Of course we must talk about Vanessa Hudgens, the patron saint of pandemic gaffes. We can’t say she didn’t warn us! On March 16th, she posted on Instagram “Feel like there’s prob gonna be a vibe vid a day with this lockdownnnnn cause I love playing with makeup and feel cute lol.” How were we to know that her vibe was disregarding mass death?
I love this disaster of a video that she released just one day later. I simply adore it. First of all, she does look cute! Her hair is #goals. But her content is #cringe. In just over 20 seconds, she makes the wildest string of decisions: she’s playing an Italian cover of the song “Fever” in the background! She weighs in on whether predictions for quarantine are “bullshit” when her only scientific credential is playing a girl who could compete in the Scholastic Decathalon in High School Musical! She says she respects the virus. You can see the exact millisecond when she realizes she’s fucked up, her face going from 🥴to 😕to 😂in a rapid onset of too-late embarrassment.
And then she had to apologize twice because her first apology was so damn stupid! I’m obsessed. I love how her vibe here is like “EVERYTHING IS PRETTY NORMAL HERE, AND LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENED THAT WAS NOTEWORTHY AT ALL.” She says quite confidently “I am at home, and in lockdown” as if that were ever a concern and as if that excuses the wild thing she said from her home during lockdown. “It’s a crazy time! It’s a crazy, crazy time,” she says with a hint of a laugh in her voice, like a mom wearing a “Bless this Mess” sweatshirt throwing up her hands amidst the chaos of getting ready for the holidays and not a millionaire who accidentally told her thousands of followers that she believes the death of the weak is inevitable. (To her credit, her second statement acknowledged that her comments “offended anyone and everyone,” an appropriately blanket statement that I think more Notes App apologies should adopt.)
But we didn’t have time to linger on Vanessa pivoting from “We’re all in this together” to “It’s every man for himself and IDGAF who perishes.” The celebrities got right back on their bullshit! They cannot be stopped. Gal Gadot hopped on Instagram to be too earnest for the situation, an enjoyable change from Vanessa’s callous flippancy.
We are in this together, we will get through it together.
Let’s imagine together.
Sing with us ❤
All love to you, from me and my dear friends. #WeAreOne ....... #KristenWiig #JamieDornan @labrinth @james_marsden @sarahkatesilverman @eddiebenjamin @jimmyfallon @natalieportman @zoeisabellakravitz @siamusic @reallyndacarter @amyadams @leslieodomjr @pascalispunk @chrisodowd @hotpatooties #WillFerrell @markruffalo @norahjones @ashleybenson @kaiagerber @caradelevingne @anniemumolo @princesstagramslamMarch 18, 2020
I hate this! It makes me want to die, which is ironic, because Vanessa’s video making light of mass death made me feel more alive than I’ve felt in weeks. What a corny trash fire! Do you think they considered any other song? One that wasn’t written by a violent misogynistic millionaire who had a separate refrigerated room in his luxury apartment just for fur coats? Did it occur to them that the line “Imagine no possessions” is a very silly thing for millionaires to sing from their mansions to inspire the poor hordes? Has anyone asked the World Health Organization if imagining no countries and no religions helps our mutual goal of flattening the curve? Why couldn’t they pick a key!?
It’s such a nightmare, but the memes about it bring me so much joy. No offense, but you can keep those inspiring videos of quarantined Italians singing together across the balconies and give me more famous people torching their careers via Instagram. Inject it into my veins, or better yet powder it and put it in a little container so I can season my dried beans and shelf-stable canned vegetables with it during these trying times.
Who will be next? Which rich dummy will stick their foot so far in their mouth that their manager chokes? In this one area, this area alone, I cannot wait to see what news develops.