Do not bother me! I'm taking a sick day!

I'm doing the same amount of nothing as usual but I'm reframing it in a way that earns me pity! Please respect this!

Do not bother me! I'm taking a sick day!

I am calling it officially: I have to take today off. It’s unavoidable! I have not been “doing” “anything” per se for the past two weeks, but today it’s official, so that means it’s a choice. A choice for my health!

Do I have “symptoms?” Yes: I’m sad.

I am not available for any calls from my mother today! I’m resting. I cannot discuss what “that orange jackass” is doing about all this, I simply do not have the strength.

Yesterday I watched four New Girl episodes in one sitting and the night before I watched nine. I was restraining myself because I had other things to do, like dishes and thinking. Today I cannot be expected to do any of that, naturally. It’s New Girl from dawn to dusk on the couch, with more blankets than usual, for my health.

I’m taking today off Twitter because news of the world will exacerbate my condition (being fed up with the world).

When you’re sick, all you have to do is focus on getting better. So there’s my schedule for the day, all set. All I have to do is lie on the couch and enjoy a sitcom and eat nonstop snacks. This is different than my normal schedule, when I only do that for part of the day.

How long will the world be like this? How can I get health insurance? Those are not questions for today, and probably not even for tomorrow, since recovery from my current affliction might be slow.

Have you heard of decision fatigue? It’s the idea that having too much to decide in one day overwhelms your brain. That’s why Steve Jobs wore the same thing every day, so he’d have fewer decisions to make. I have reverse decision fatigue, which is pretty fatiguing in its own way. I haven’t made a decision for weeks. I haven’t picked out an outfit, chosen a restaurant, set a date for anything. Atrophy is its own ailment, and I must rest all my faculties to gather the strength to eventually start building those muscles back up.

Your immune system is weaker when you’re stressed, so I’m being proactive by accepting no stress today! Do not put a stress in my direction, thanks. I’m sure you understand.

Sure, it’s a bummer, and yeah, I’d like to be teaching myself piano/writing an award-winning piece of fiction perfectly encapsulating our current moment/creating an at-home exercise regimen that sculpts my body into a hard, sexy slab of marble/finally watching The Shawshank Redemption. But none of that’s in the cards for today, for reasons that are obviously none of my fault!

“Hey Allison, have you seen all those ‘creativity prompts’ you signed up for in your inbox?” Let me stop you right there. Have you seen the fact that you can shut up?! The idea that I could use this time, right now, creatively, or in some positive way, is not helpful in the slightest. It’s the opposite of helpful. I’m taking a sick day. You go to doctor school and then decide if a good treatment for illness is reminding me of the thing I chose to sign up for, out of a genuine interest in bettering myself. I’ll save you the tuition bills: no.

This was a good talk, but I’m done with human interaction now. My pal Zooey Deschanel has tons of energy, and I truly cannot wait to see what adventures she gets up to! Goodbye and don’t be mad at me!! All of this is out of my hands so you have to sympathize with me and let this happen!!