Some thoughts on Jasonnn DeRuuulooo

(This is just a Trojan Horse for my story about hanging out with 2 Chainz.)

Some thoughts on Jasonnn DeRuuulooo

So what happened was I saw someone whose name was "Jay Sun" and my mind autofilled "🎵DeRuuulooo🎵" and now I've had the same Jason DeRulo song stuck in my head for over a month. It's "Talk Dirty" and I fear I'll never know peace again.

I'll wake up with the sax solo in my head and I'll have to listen to the song. My coworkers will say any random word – "picture," "language" – and one of the lyrics will pop into my head, leading me to think about the sax solo and have to listen to the song. Most perplexingly, I will occasionally be going about my day and suddenly hear in my head, apropos of literally nothing, the bellowing call "2 CHAINZ" and then, as you can probably guess, I'll have to listen to the song.

It's not a good song!! It's so embarrassing. Jason DeRulo is so embarrassing. If you ask anyone to list what they know about Jason DeRulo, they'll probably reference the fact that he says his own name all the time like a Pokémon or a meme about him always falling down stairs. He never even fell down the stairs. It just seems like something he'd do.  

Jason DeRulo played the Rum Tum Tugger in the Cats movie and said in an interview promoting the film, “I did a bunch of character work for myself to figure out who he was to me. I think he puts on an act of how confident he is and how much he loves himself, but he has a really big disorder where he cannot stay focused on one thing too long. One second, he’s into this girl; the next second, he’s like, Oh no, what about this one? It really holds him back from being as great as he can be.” Of the film's reception, DeRulo said he had thought that Cats "was gonna change the world,” and also that his dick shouldn't have been edited out. He's probably a nice guy. But also a dumbass.

This moment in the video absolutely murders me. 

"Talk Dirty" is a song about getting laid all over the globe using the international language of ass. I'm surprised that the word "exotic" doesn't show up anywhere in the lyrics, though there is a problematic outro by an Asian woman with an accent giggling and saying "What? I don't understand." It was the titular song for his third album, Talk Dirty, which is filled with allegedly sexy songs. Another single was "Wiggle," which has a strange hook built around a toy flute. It would have been better with horns, like those in "Talk Dirty." The other single, literally called "Trumpets," is all about horns. What I'm saying is: the album should have been called Jason DeRulo Gets Horny. Huge missed opportunity.

"Talk Dirty" also features 2 Chainz, and I have nothing bad to say about him. (I checked his Wikipedia page for a "Controversies" section before committing to that sentence.) 2 Chainz's verse does contain the line "Sold-out arenas, you can suck my penis," which isn't great, but it rhymes with a line starting with the Spanish translation of his name, "Dos Cadenas, close to genius," which I think is very funny. I'm biased because I met 2 Chainz once under very strange circumstances and I love him now.

Several years ago, I started my new job at a super exclusive club for extremely rich people. My second or third week on the job, one of my managers asked me fairly casually "Are you working the front desk on Saturday? There will be a film crew in here, just be prepared for that." I learned that a crew from Viceland would be in filming an episode of 2 Chainz's show Most Expensivest, based on his popular web series Most Expensivest Shit, and that I should look presentable in case they wanted me to appear on camera.

2 Chainz working out at the gym in my former place of employment. (Also pictured: my friend Mo. Hi, Mo!) 

As it happened, the crew did want to shoot a scene with me, so I did two takes with Dos Cadenas himself. First the producer asked me to give him a big smile and say in my warmest, most welcoming voice, "Hello Mr. 2 Chainz! We've been waiting for you!" I nailed my line immediately and everyone loved it, so they prepped the cameras and everything and brought in 2 Chainz.

He was great! He was so sweet and respectful and fun and impeccably dressed. He came in with a little too much enthusiasm on the first take, jumping in to greet me and ad-lib a conversation when I was just supposed to say my one (flawless) line. So we did a second take and it went off without a hitch. When the episode premiered, I learned that my scene had ultimately been cut, which wasn't particularly surprising. I wasn't sure if I should be disappointed or relieved, as there's always a chance I would have looked dumb on camera. But I would have liked to have the evidence of the day I hung out with 2 Chainz.  

(My grandpa was particularly tickled by this entire story when I called to update him on my strange, exciting new job. Very occasionally, when I'd least expect it, we'd be talking about professional goals or something and he'd casually say something like "Well, you could always ask your friend 2 Chainz for advice," and I would absolutely fall to pieces because I always forgot that my grandpa knew the name 2 Chainz and had it stored in his brain to spring on me like that for years after I met him.)

Regardless of my close personal friendship with Mr. 2 Chainz, I still can't endorse "Talk Dirty." Some cursed facts about this song:

Fifth Harmony ripped off its horn hook for their song "Worth It," produced by the same guy, but I don't like "Worth It" at all and so it can't replace "Talk Dirty" for me, unfortunately. However, I only realized in researching this that the dope horn part is a sample. Of course it is! Jason DeRulo doesn't have original ideas! Just ask Imogen Heap!

The original song is called "Hermetico" by Balkan Beat Box, and it slaps incredibly hard. And it's over five minutes long! I can listen to it anytime I need to scratch this terrible weird itch! I love a happy ending.

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